The Tonjinator, as Little League Cheer Coach

About six months ago, my friend, Karrie, who is the mother of Olivia's BFF, Rylee, drops the bomb that she will not have time to coach their cheer squad this fall, as both of Rylee's brothers will be playing organized sports.  I must have had a lot of Coronas when I innocently said, "Since I won't be on the PTO board, maybe I can do it."  WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I'll say that I was NEVER a cheerleader.  Back in the day, I was something called a Cruiserette, which was a member of my high school's dance/drill team.  We wore lots of sequins and white go-go boots.  With the big hair and heavy makeup of the day, it was an AWESOME look.  Take a look.  I fell off a similar yellow box during a record 12 performances.  Don't bother trying to find me in this picture, because I'm not in it, but it gives you an idea of what the ensemble was like: Late 80s hair was AH-MAZING.

By the way, my high school's mascot, Cruiser, was not a police car, but an untamed horse, owned by Queen Victoria.  Apparently, John Solomon Rarey, who was from my hometown, was recruited to cross the pond and break this horse.  Cruiser was responsive only to Rarey, so the Queen of England or whoever gave him the horse and sent him back to central Ohio.  Small town legend has it that Cruiser is buried under the football field at the local junior high school, which is where the Rarey farm stood years ago.  Don't believe me?  Rarey is referenced in The Horse Whisperer.  Apparently, Ralph Waldo Emerson, my literary hero, said Rarey, "turned a new leaf in civilization." Google John Rarey: I dare you. ANYWHO....

Tonight was my squad's first practice.  Actually, there had been a few weeks of large group practices.  The Tonj took the girls to a few.  But, I didn't attend ANY, and I'm the coach.  Nice, I know.   But I went to the coaches' meeting on Sunday evening, where I was promised the help of a high school cheerleader and/or cheer board member and handed a binder with a first aid zipper pack  (contents: three generic band-aids), three markers (red, yellow, blue, all three dried out) and LOTS of rules, like "double chorus line flips are forbidden."  What the Sam Hill is a double chorus line flip?  My favorite rule:  Coaches may not smoke, drink alcohol, or use drugs in front of their teams.  Does that mean I can't have moscato at home in front of my own child?  If so, I'M BREAKING THE LAW.  My only brilliant contribution to the discussion at the meeting:  Last year's cheer squads ALL, except Karrie's team, used LMFAO's Party Rock Anthem for their music.  I said that Call Me Maybe is the song this year, and we should all pledge to use something else.  I was the only one who pledged to use something else.  Popular?  That's the Tonjinator.

Not all of my girls showed, which was not a huge surprise, so six girls, my ultra-encouraging assistant coach and I practiced for 75 minutes.  I know a grand total of ZERO arm motions for these cheers, though my handy coaches' manual has sheets with the words for the cheers.  This afternoon, before practice, I did a YouTube search for "Hello Cheer" and found one that looked reasonable.  I tried to teach just the H-E-L-L-O part, took one look at my charges, and said "We'll come back Thursday with something different." And I need to come up with a 90 second dance routine.  Since most of the dancing I've done in the post-Cruiserette era involves alcohol --while fully clothed, thank you--I'm trying to remember dance combinations I learned twenty years ago.  And thanks to my Facebook friends, I have the following song ideas:

• I Touch Myself by The Divinyls.  These girls are between seven and nine years old, and we live within single-digit miles of the largest mega-church in the state.  NO, but thank you.
• Whistle by Flo Rida.  It's not about whistles, or musical instruments.  Olivia and Rylee know it's inappropriate, but they don't know why.  Visit iTunes and take a listen if you don't believe me. Again, NO.
• Thriller by Michael Jackson.  This is the direction I'm heading, as all of the dance combinations I learned twenty five years ago were to Michael Jackson songs.

Thankfully, one of my cheerleaders' moms let me know, in a very non-bitchy and helpful way, that her eldest daughter is a varsity cheerleader at one of the local high schools, and that she'd be able to help us!  YAHOO!

My coaching involves making lots of statements like:

"That looked awesome, girls. Let's try that again, but this time louder."

And:

"That was great, but this time, I want you all to look at me and smile while you cheer."

We have a long way to go, and two weeks to get there.  The kids didn't hate me, and I suffered no major injuries while attempting a varsity jump.  In all, not bad, but the hello cheer still must be written.  Oh look - I have another 45 minutes before I can register Olivia for the winter swim team!

Look out, Hello Cheer.  You are about to be Tonjinated.

Updated:  In the world of little league cheerleading, the Tonjination of the Hello Cheer consists of asking for and accepting help from Blair, lifeguard/swim teacher/former high school cheerleader, who is in her early twenties and coaching two little league cheer squads of her own while attending college.  May blessings rain upon her for the assistance she is providing me!